It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

You were supposed to survive. I’ve seen so many survival stories portrayed on t.v, in books and on the radio. This form of cancer has only ever been portrayed to me as the cancer that among all others is easier to cure. No one told me it’d be this hard. No one warned me that when you were diagnosed I’d be too afraid to go see you in your final days. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You were, are, one of my biggest role models. You only ever treated your body and your soul with the utmost respect. Always eating healthy and never feeding negative thoughts on yourself or others. Your laugh still pops up in my head and between tears and a heavy heart, I find comfort in it. The sense of humor you had wasn’t dry, it wasn’t immature or the annoying kind. You always made the room light up. Parties were quiet without you. Your husband isn’t the same without you. He laughs but you can tell by the way it’s cut short that he’s still hurting like he deserves to be. So sudden, so painful to watch. I didn’t go to see you when everyone was saying their goodbyes. I saw you once a couple of months before. Barely 100 pounds, yellow eyes, sounding as fragile as you looked. If only I had known that when I hugged you and said goodbye that it would be the last. I could have hugged a little tighter, gone to see you once more, said i love you a million more times. I was too busy holding back tears, hoping and praying you would pull through. It was only the beginning of a very long end. None of this was supposed to happen.

Forever wishing we had more time, praying wherever you are in the life beyond this if there may be one that you are well.

XX bw

 

2017 thus far.

Other than the glaring fact that I haven’t posted since October, hi, how are you all? Hopefully your lives have been bearable if not better. 2017 so far has been the worst, the best, and the in between for me.

Five days into the year I lost my aunt. For some, maybe even most, your aunt is extended family who you see on holidays and who, if you’re lucky, calls you to say happy birthday. This strong, beautiful woman I call(ed) my aunt was and is forever someone I continue to consider such a strong influence in my life. (Almost) two months later and I will admit I am still struggling greatly with this loss my family and I have taken. I can’t listen to Carrie Underwood without wanting to break down. There’s a woman on an air mattress box at work that for some reason looks like her in my eyes and I avoid that box at all costs. Early January seemed unreal for me. This time last year we had just mourned the loss and celebrated the life of another aunt of mine. One who I didn’t know well but who I knew didn’t deserve the suffering she experienced. Now, one year later here we were in shock that we had lost a loved one to a cancer that was supposed to be treatable. One with higher survival rates than the rest. It will be a long time until I can even speak of or write about my aunt without an overwhelming feeling of sadness and anger.

Ironically enough, though, in the same month that the universe stole a life from under our feet, it delivered the same gift to us. My third niece was born at the end of January and needless to say it was both relieving and heartwarming to see that sparkle in my mom’s eye again as she took the roll of excited granddiva ( that’s what the girl’s call her ) and relieved her position as grieving sister. A precious baby girl with lots of dark hair, big eyes, and a countless number of people who adore her with more love than one can hold.

In February, my life that seemed to have a clear path which was without excitement but with a plan, took a sharp right turn onto a new and thrilling journey that is slow to approach. I got accepted into Utah State University earlier in the month. A fairly ‘easy’ school to get in to, but the one I only had dreamed of actually attending. I applied for the fun of it. Little did I think I would actually take the jump and register for the fall of 2017 as an incoming freshman. 1,370 miles and 22 hours (by car) away from the only place I’ve ever called home for the 20 years I’ve been around. I am just as my parents want me to be, nervous and worried for taking such a big risk. However, I’ve never been so hopeful and excited for my future as for once it seems as though it may be taking a turn for the very best. College for most is just a mediocre journey on towards a larger picture. For some reason or another college is more than mediocre for me. Getting to move straight across the country and compare a new area of life aside from mine is both thrilling and nerve wrecking. Being a 20 year old freshman and a transfer student is like asking to be purple in a crowd of blue. I have my concerns but I am more hopeful than anything that I’ve made the right choice in Utah.

So as the year goes on, my short term goals include paying off my credit card debt, losing twenty pounds before August, and finding a way to make it through the day at work without wanting to run to the back and cry before someone sees me. As for the bigger picture, I’ve got a lot of small goals leading up to a successful first semester come this fall. I can’t wait to take you all with me as I go.

 

With love and wishes of good health,

xx bw