Lonely.

I’ve spent the four years since my last relationship telling myself that being single is good, is needed, is right for me. Looking back on it now, I think there was a chunk of time where my lack of need for a boyfriend or just a companion was beneficial. I’d like to think that in this time I focused solely on myself, i found the me that I am most proud of. I can point out my own flaws, accept them ( most days ), and move on with life. I’m independent and don’t feel like I need other people in order to be happy. However, in the time since my last relationship I’ve also seen myself fall away from social norms of navigating the thing that is interacting with people. I find it a burden, a task I’m not willing to complete. This goes for people in general, not just the other gender. I’ve questioned myself and my sexuality for a while, gone through phases where I’ve considered whether I’m really even interested in anyone at all nonetheless a guy. In this present moment, I feel like I barely know how to approach another person I’m interested in. I am so far detached from the idea of online dating and meeting total strangers on the internet. Tinder and other apps are less than appealing to me. I prefer good old fashion getting to know someone, and yet I hate approaching people in public.

So while all my friends begin relationships and fall into comfortable places with their lives. Go on dates and double dates, have someone to confide in with all their issues, I find myself envying what they have. I can’t say with whom I desire that from, or if I desire from someone at a romantic level. Maybe I just need more friends, maybe I need to roam to the other side and see if my occasional thought of dating a female is really something I want in life. The idea of dating and romance and all things companionship are a rather large question to me. In a nutshell, I’ve become increasingly lonely and almost a bit desperate.

 

ending this with a huge sigh that none of you can hear.

xx bw

An overwritten explanation of my year thus far.

As if it wasn’t obvious by my posts so far, I never write with much structure nor do i check my grammar or things like that. I write because it’s an outlet for my thoughts where speaking to a human doesn’t do much justice. I’m better at expressing through written ( typed ) word rather than speaking out loud. So with that disclaimer out of the way, here is an overwritten, rambling on explanation of my year thus far. It hasn’t really been my year, but I’m alive to tell the story and for that I can say cheers.

The first week of january I lost a family member to cancer. That alone set the tone for the year ahead. We’re five months in and while there’s still seven months to go, I can’t say i’m wildly optimistic with how it’s gone so far. I spent January grieving, questioning life, angry at people and the unknown. I spent time staring at pictures of the past where life was better and when I didn’t know how to feel so deeply like I did in January. February was a drag. Work, sleep, somehow squeeze in a social. The month long hangover from the seemingly drunken mess of a month that January turned out to be. Finally, march being a fresh new month. That was until half way through I found out the company I work for is filing for bankruptcy. So long having a steady income, and so long to my sanity. April came and with that started the process of liquidation at work. I’ve now been thrown into 40 hour weeks (hours I never disclosed wanting to work, might I add), and while the money is good being as I need it, bad, the patience I have lost and the sleep I lack because of this job is unreal. My coworkers have become my enemies most days with the exception of a few. The way managers have gone into this free for all, calling people out without the right to do so, getting nasty because they claim to have that authority. it’s a free for all on how we work together and what we do and don’t put effort into. I forgot to mention that sometime in between I got accepted into college and for a split second my life seemed to have a path worthy of following.

So here we are, five months in, and while I’m inching closer to the fall when life is supposed to start on a whole new foot, I’m still only able to focus on how endlessly horrible these first few months have been. It’s like i’ve woken up on the wrong side of the bed to start 2017, had one too many new years drinks that I never recovered from. This month has been endless 40 hour weeks, days where I’ve had to hide in the back stockroom at work and cry for a second because I care too much and I’m an emotional person to start. I come home, take a deep breath, and remind myself I’m still alive and healthy. I’ve lost a lot this year, a family member, money, patience, friends, trust for people. I won’t be that person that lies and says I’m looking forward to the summer or to the months to come because in reality when I look at how it’s gone so far, I don’t feel like it could get any worse. then again, maybe that means it’ll only go up from here.

I’m thankful for the people in my life who have been patient with me, reminded me that I’m here in this moment and lucky at that. I still have a paycheck every other week, I still have my family and friends. A few deep breaths a day won’t fix everything, nor does it make everything better in that moment. But the simple task of breathing is something I’m lucky to even be able to do. So while I’m not pleased with my year so far, my life itself is a gift I’m so glad I get to keep on using.

cheers to being honest with myself.

xx bw

To my person.

I’ve never felt such a connection, a love, a need for someone’s presence in the most platonic of ways before in life. The idea of having a friend that is so necessary in my life for the good, the bad, and the ugly seemed like one of those things you hope for but never really receive. We have our best friends, our good friends, and our family. Those are a different kind of liking towards a person. A different connection on a totally different level. The importance of a platonic love in my life has never been so real and so important as it is now. In the terms of a show so close to my heart, Grey’s Anatomy, you are the Cristina Yang to my Meredith Grey.

We were always secondhand friends, friends through our closer friends. Once or twice we hung out alone but they were probably the most awkward of silences for most of the day. Then in what seemed like the most dramatic of fashions we went against the grain and spent a day together out of the blue. From there on out you were the person I knew I could talk to about anything with an open mind and without judgement. At this point it’s fair to say we know every corner of each other’s lives. Some things more grazed upon while others being picked apart to the root. Every car ride guarantees some form of a life altering discussion, and even then we still laugh about the dumbest of jokes moments after.

Life is hard, especially right now. Family loss, stress of school, work, transitioning into adulthood. It all adds up into the most aggravating of times. Having someone like you around to keep me at bay and remind me right from wrong. Always willing to tell me what I need to hear and taking what I tell you to heart, too. Whatever earth balancing simile one wants to call it, you are just that to me. A yin to my yang and one I hope permanently resides in life.

Thank you from the core of my being and back for becoming, on such short notice might i add, the balance in my otherwise upside life.

XX bw

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

You were supposed to survive. I’ve seen so many survival stories portrayed on t.v, in books and on the radio. This form of cancer has only ever been portrayed to me as the cancer that among all others is easier to cure. No one told me it’d be this hard. No one warned me that when you were diagnosed I’d be too afraid to go see you in your final days. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You were, are, one of my biggest role models. You only ever treated your body and your soul with the utmost respect. Always eating healthy and never feeding negative thoughts on yourself or others. Your laugh still pops up in my head and between tears and a heavy heart, I find comfort in it. The sense of humor you had wasn’t dry, it wasn’t immature or the annoying kind. You always made the room light up. Parties were quiet without you. Your husband isn’t the same without you. He laughs but you can tell by the way it’s cut short that he’s still hurting like he deserves to be. So sudden, so painful to watch. I didn’t go to see you when everyone was saying their goodbyes. I saw you once a couple of months before. Barely 100 pounds, yellow eyes, sounding as fragile as you looked. If only I had known that when I hugged you and said goodbye that it would be the last. I could have hugged a little tighter, gone to see you once more, said i love you a million more times. I was too busy holding back tears, hoping and praying you would pull through. It was only the beginning of a very long end. None of this was supposed to happen.

Forever wishing we had more time, praying wherever you are in the life beyond this if there may be one that you are well.

XX bw

 

2017 thus far.

Other than the glaring fact that I haven’t posted since October, hi, how are you all? Hopefully your lives have been bearable if not better. 2017 so far has been the worst, the best, and the in between for me.

Five days into the year I lost my aunt. For some, maybe even most, your aunt is extended family who you see on holidays and who, if you’re lucky, calls you to say happy birthday. This strong, beautiful woman I call(ed) my aunt was and is forever someone I continue to consider such a strong influence in my life. (Almost) two months later and I will admit I am still struggling greatly with this loss my family and I have taken. I can’t listen to Carrie Underwood without wanting to break down. There’s a woman on an air mattress box at work that for some reason looks like her in my eyes and I avoid that box at all costs. Early January seemed unreal for me. This time last year we had just mourned the loss and celebrated the life of another aunt of mine. One who I didn’t know well but who I knew didn’t deserve the suffering she experienced. Now, one year later here we were in shock that we had lost a loved one to a cancer that was supposed to be treatable. One with higher survival rates than the rest. It will be a long time until I can even speak of or write about my aunt without an overwhelming feeling of sadness and anger.

Ironically enough, though, in the same month that the universe stole a life from under our feet, it delivered the same gift to us. My third niece was born at the end of January and needless to say it was both relieving and heartwarming to see that sparkle in my mom’s eye again as she took the roll of excited granddiva ( that’s what the girl’s call her ) and relieved her position as grieving sister. A precious baby girl with lots of dark hair, big eyes, and a countless number of people who adore her with more love than one can hold.

In February, my life that seemed to have a clear path which was without excitement but with a plan, took a sharp right turn onto a new and thrilling journey that is slow to approach. I got accepted into Utah State University earlier in the month. A fairly ‘easy’ school to get in to, but the one I only had dreamed of actually attending. I applied for the fun of it. Little did I think I would actually take the jump and register for the fall of 2017 as an incoming freshman. 1,370 miles and 22 hours (by car) away from the only place I’ve ever called home for the 20 years I’ve been around. I am just as my parents want me to be, nervous and worried for taking such a big risk. However, I’ve never been so hopeful and excited for my future as for once it seems as though it may be taking a turn for the very best. College for most is just a mediocre journey on towards a larger picture. For some reason or another college is more than mediocre for me. Getting to move straight across the country and compare a new area of life aside from mine is both thrilling and nerve wrecking. Being a 20 year old freshman and a transfer student is like asking to be purple in a crowd of blue. I have my concerns but I am more hopeful than anything that I’ve made the right choice in Utah.

So as the year goes on, my short term goals include paying off my credit card debt, losing twenty pounds before August, and finding a way to make it through the day at work without wanting to run to the back and cry before someone sees me. As for the bigger picture, I’ve got a lot of small goals leading up to a successful first semester come this fall. I can’t wait to take you all with me as I go.

 

With love and wishes of good health,

xx bw

ShopMissA haul / review

Hey all! It’s finally Friday and I could not be more excited. I have today and tomorrow off of school and work which means lazy days for days. So, last week I received my order from ShopMissA.com, which is basically a fun little website with makeup, jewelry, and accessories. Get this, everything is one dollar. Yep, you read that right! Every single thing is a dollar.

This is my second time ordering through Shop MissA, and the shipping is in a super timely manner as well as keeping their shipping tracker up to date. Some things on the website are definitely better than others. When comparing makeup, they have brands like ELF which for a dollar is a total score. However, in my opinion, not all of the makeup is the best. ( for example, the mascara pictured in the bottom right ). This was my first time getting jewelry from the website and so far i adore all of it! The only piece that concerns me is the pearl necklace which has more of a stiff, costume jewelry feel to it. Otherwise I think I scored big time on some cute pieces! As an all around review of my package, this was an absolute score. I spent $11 dollars for the products, but the total was 16 with shipping which is still a great price in my opinion. i only threw out one thing before this which was eyeliner that i got. it was liquid but when i opened it it was a bit old and chunky? However, despite the hiccup, I’d highly recommend MissA to anyone who is maybe starting out with makeup and needs to keep it cheap to experiment, or anyone who loves makeup but hates spending a lot! also, the jewelry is fantastic for the price and everything else that I haven’t bought looks great too!

kleancolor eyebrow palette

no brand – one long necklace that can be twisted into a two layer worn long or with one being a choker

no brand – this is the necklace that feels a little costume like to me but still so pretty!

i have yet to wear this but the detailed on this bracelet are so cute! one pearl charm, and two medallion detailed charms

this is a super simple necklace with a flower like detail and a rhinestone in the center

this is one of my favorites! it’s a three layer necklace with pops of hot pink

i tried this blush out and it’s a great color for fall! a little dark and super pigmented but it’s definitely one that needs time to blend.

just a beauty blender! great for getting under my eyes with concealer

precision brow brush – i needed one of these so bad and this one works great. super precise and great quality

Fall Mood Board

fall-mood-board

It’s Tuesday evening where I am. I haven’t posted in more than two days and didn’t realize it until I was sitting at school during one of my breaks looking for something to do with my time. So, after much contemplation and some brainstorming, I have come up with this! A fall mood board. It’s more like a random compilation of photos and clothing items that describe my personal interests in the fall months to come. I was feeling extra inspired because today was the first day I could actually get away with a chunky sweater and not sweat to death! Talk about exciting!

Without further ado, let us dive into a brief summary of what this mess of a ‘mood board’ is made of.

  • The words are self explanatory, I adore a warm mug of cider on cloudy fall says, love pumpkins and picking them with my family, hay rides ( though I haven’t been on one in forever ) and the pony rides just happened to be featured in this image.
  • I love with all my heart when the leaves begin to change colors. The world never looks quite as beautiful as it does with the change in the seasons.
  • My beauty routine in the fall is a ton of smoky eyes looks, but also really light on the foundation / contour. I personally love a more natural looking face in the fall with all the cold weather and the layering of clothes. However, I do love my wild pop of color on my lips.
  • My personal favorite part of this is the fashion. Fall fashion is my absolute favorite of all the seasons. I love layering my looks, big cozy sweaters, boots and so on.
  • My all time favorite fall look is a sweater with a collared shirt under it, a vest on top, jeans and knee high boots. the perfect look for any preppy loving, fall adoring fashionista.
  • On the flip side, when i’m relaxing at home on a day off studying or simply enjoying my day of nothing, i love chunky cardigans and leggings with big scarves and messy buns. Nothing more simple and cozy than cuddling up in a warm cardi!

 

I’m not too sure I did that right. In fact, I know this isn’t how an average mood board goes but I figured I’d give you a taste of my personal fall favorites on a broad scale. Hopefully you’ll come back in a couple of days for my planned fall haul & an ‘everything is 1 dollar’ haul!

 

wishing you all a beautiful rest of your week.

 

xx bw