Lonely.

I’ve spent the four years since my last relationship telling myself that being single is good, is needed, is right for me. Looking back on it now, I think there was a chunk of time where my lack of need for a boyfriend or just a companion was beneficial. I’d like to think that in this time I focused solely on myself, i found the me that I am most proud of. I can point out my own flaws, accept them ( most days ), and move on with life. I’m independent and don’t feel like I need other people in order to be happy. However, in the time since my last relationship I’ve also seen myself fall away from social norms of navigating the thing that is interacting with people. I find it a burden, a task I’m not willing to complete. This goes for people in general, not just the other gender. I’ve questioned myself and my sexuality for a while, gone through phases where I’ve considered whether I’m really even interested in anyone at all nonetheless a guy. In this present moment, I feel like I barely know how to approach another person I’m interested in. I am so far detached from the idea of online dating and meeting total strangers on the internet. Tinder and other apps are less than appealing to me. I prefer good old fashion getting to know someone, and yet I hate approaching people in public.

So while all my friends begin relationships and fall into comfortable places with their lives. Go on dates and double dates, have someone to confide in with all their issues, I find myself envying what they have. I can’t say with whom I desire that from, or if I desire from someone at a romantic level. Maybe I just need more friends, maybe I need to roam to the other side and see if my occasional thought of dating a female is really something I want in life. The idea of dating and romance and all things companionship are a rather large question to me. In a nutshell, I’ve become increasingly lonely and almost a bit desperate.

 

ending this with a huge sigh that none of you can hear.

xx bw

An overwritten explanation of my year thus far.

As if it wasn’t obvious by my posts so far, I never write with much structure nor do i check my grammar or things like that. I write because it’s an outlet for my thoughts where speaking to a human doesn’t do much justice. I’m better at expressing through written ( typed ) word rather than speaking out loud. So with that disclaimer out of the way, here is an overwritten, rambling on explanation of my year thus far. It hasn’t really been my year, but I’m alive to tell the story and for that I can say cheers.

The first week of january I lost a family member to cancer. That alone set the tone for the year ahead. We’re five months in and while there’s still seven months to go, I can’t say i’m wildly optimistic with how it’s gone so far. I spent January grieving, questioning life, angry at people and the unknown. I spent time staring at pictures of the past where life was better and when I didn’t know how to feel so deeply like I did in January. February was a drag. Work, sleep, somehow squeeze in a social. The month long hangover from the seemingly drunken mess of a month that January turned out to be. Finally, march being a fresh new month. That was until half way through I found out the company I work for is filing for bankruptcy. So long having a steady income, and so long to my sanity. April came and with that started the process of liquidation at work. I’ve now been thrown into 40 hour weeks (hours I never disclosed wanting to work, might I add), and while the money is good being as I need it, bad, the patience I have lost and the sleep I lack because of this job is unreal. My coworkers have become my enemies most days with the exception of a few. The way managers have gone into this free for all, calling people out without the right to do so, getting nasty because they claim to have that authority. it’s a free for all on how we work together and what we do and don’t put effort into. I forgot to mention that sometime in between I got accepted into college and for a split second my life seemed to have a path worthy of following.

So here we are, five months in, and while I’m inching closer to the fall when life is supposed to start on a whole new foot, I’m still only able to focus on how endlessly horrible these first few months have been. It’s like i’ve woken up on the wrong side of the bed to start 2017, had one too many new years drinks that I never recovered from. This month has been endless 40 hour weeks, days where I’ve had to hide in the back stockroom at work and cry for a second because I care too much and I’m an emotional person to start. I come home, take a deep breath, and remind myself I’m still alive and healthy. I’ve lost a lot this year, a family member, money, patience, friends, trust for people. I won’t be that person that lies and says I’m looking forward to the summer or to the months to come because in reality when I look at how it’s gone so far, I don’t feel like it could get any worse. then again, maybe that means it’ll only go up from here.

I’m thankful for the people in my life who have been patient with me, reminded me that I’m here in this moment and lucky at that. I still have a paycheck every other week, I still have my family and friends. A few deep breaths a day won’t fix everything, nor does it make everything better in that moment. But the simple task of breathing is something I’m lucky to even be able to do. So while I’m not pleased with my year so far, my life itself is a gift I’m so glad I get to keep on using.

cheers to being honest with myself.

xx bw

To the Girl I’m Leaving Behind.

Exactly three months out from move-in day. Most days, packing up and leaving early sound like a dream come true. Between working at a retail store that is in the process of liquidating, juggling a social life, parents who are only frustrating to say the least, all while trying to maintain some sanity has been practically impossible. I’ve got twenty years of life and history in this little old town and the surrounding area. Lived in this very bedroom i sit in now all twenty years of my life. My family is here, my friends are here, everything is here.

Everything, though, doesn’t always carry positivity behind it. Some of the worst days of my life have been here. Losing family, break-ups, arguments with friends. The very best and worst days of my life have all been spent in this tiny radius of space. I have no plans to just become this whole other person while I’m away at college, but this is a chance to really figure out who I am, what I want in life. The person I am now could be worse, but i’m also not a huge fan of her at this very moment. over stressed, over worked. I’ve got a big mouth, an even bigger attitude. I’m always looking to pick fights and when I’m mad, i’m horribly mean. I lose motivation easily, I’ve gained a lot of weight that I have little motivation to burn off.

To the girl I’m leaving behind, you’ve been the me I’ve only ever been familiar with. twenty years in one space, unable to really start fresh. no matter how many times i’ve tried to change, there is no such thing as a fresh start in the same place. especially somewhere where you grow up around the same people. So, to the me i’ve been for the past twenty years of my life. You’ve gotten me places I may have never dreamed to go. I’ve also put myself in a rough spot once or twice before because of this attitude and my lack of filtering thoughts. It’s been a rough go, and while moving 1000+ miles away doesn’t mean life is automatically easier, especially being it’s for college, it does mean people don’t have a preconceived notion of who i am or what i’ve been through. this isn’t an attempt to be fake and present myself as a perfect human. this does, however, give me a chance to change how i treat people, how i see myself. more confident, less mouthy. more active physically and emotionally.

there’s so much i’m scared about in moving away. the debt, how i’ll even afford it in the first place. not having a single familiar face for the first few months while i surround myself with strangers. a new town that is small but nothing like home. however, there is so much more potential in every single bit of it.

now’s your chance, don’t screw it up.

xx bw

To my person.

I’ve never felt such a connection, a love, a need for someone’s presence in the most platonic of ways before in life. The idea of having a friend that is so necessary in my life for the good, the bad, and the ugly seemed like one of those things you hope for but never really receive. We have our best friends, our good friends, and our family. Those are a different kind of liking towards a person. A different connection on a totally different level. The importance of a platonic love in my life has never been so real and so important as it is now. In the terms of a show so close to my heart, Grey’s Anatomy, you are the Cristina Yang to my Meredith Grey.

We were always secondhand friends, friends through our closer friends. Once or twice we hung out alone but they were probably the most awkward of silences for most of the day. Then in what seemed like the most dramatic of fashions we went against the grain and spent a day together out of the blue. From there on out you were the person I knew I could talk to about anything with an open mind and without judgement. At this point it’s fair to say we know every corner of each other’s lives. Some things more grazed upon while others being picked apart to the root. Every car ride guarantees some form of a life altering discussion, and even then we still laugh about the dumbest of jokes moments after.

Life is hard, especially right now. Family loss, stress of school, work, transitioning into adulthood. It all adds up into the most aggravating of times. Having someone like you around to keep me at bay and remind me right from wrong. Always willing to tell me what I need to hear and taking what I tell you to heart, too. Whatever earth balancing simile one wants to call it, you are just that to me. A yin to my yang and one I hope permanently resides in life.

Thank you from the core of my being and back for becoming, on such short notice might i add, the balance in my otherwise upside life.

XX bw

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

You were supposed to survive. I’ve seen so many survival stories portrayed on t.v, in books and on the radio. This form of cancer has only ever been portrayed to me as the cancer that among all others is easier to cure. No one told me it’d be this hard. No one warned me that when you were diagnosed I’d be too afraid to go see you in your final days. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You were, are, one of my biggest role models. You only ever treated your body and your soul with the utmost respect. Always eating healthy and never feeding negative thoughts on yourself or others. Your laugh still pops up in my head and between tears and a heavy heart, I find comfort in it. The sense of humor you had wasn’t dry, it wasn’t immature or the annoying kind. You always made the room light up. Parties were quiet without you. Your husband isn’t the same without you. He laughs but you can tell by the way it’s cut short that he’s still hurting like he deserves to be. So sudden, so painful to watch. I didn’t go to see you when everyone was saying their goodbyes. I saw you once a couple of months before. Barely 100 pounds, yellow eyes, sounding as fragile as you looked. If only I had known that when I hugged you and said goodbye that it would be the last. I could have hugged a little tighter, gone to see you once more, said i love you a million more times. I was too busy holding back tears, hoping and praying you would pull through. It was only the beginning of a very long end. None of this was supposed to happen.

Forever wishing we had more time, praying wherever you are in the life beyond this if there may be one that you are well.

XX bw

 

2017 thus far.

Other than the glaring fact that I haven’t posted since October, hi, how are you all? Hopefully your lives have been bearable if not better. 2017 so far has been the worst, the best, and the in between for me.

Five days into the year I lost my aunt. For some, maybe even most, your aunt is extended family who you see on holidays and who, if you’re lucky, calls you to say happy birthday. This strong, beautiful woman I call(ed) my aunt was and is forever someone I continue to consider such a strong influence in my life. (Almost) two months later and I will admit I am still struggling greatly with this loss my family and I have taken. I can’t listen to Carrie Underwood without wanting to break down. There’s a woman on an air mattress box at work that for some reason looks like her in my eyes and I avoid that box at all costs. Early January seemed unreal for me. This time last year we had just mourned the loss and celebrated the life of another aunt of mine. One who I didn’t know well but who I knew didn’t deserve the suffering she experienced. Now, one year later here we were in shock that we had lost a loved one to a cancer that was supposed to be treatable. One with higher survival rates than the rest. It will be a long time until I can even speak of or write about my aunt without an overwhelming feeling of sadness and anger.

Ironically enough, though, in the same month that the universe stole a life from under our feet, it delivered the same gift to us. My third niece was born at the end of January and needless to say it was both relieving and heartwarming to see that sparkle in my mom’s eye again as she took the roll of excited granddiva ( that’s what the girl’s call her ) and relieved her position as grieving sister. A precious baby girl with lots of dark hair, big eyes, and a countless number of people who adore her with more love than one can hold.

In February, my life that seemed to have a clear path which was without excitement but with a plan, took a sharp right turn onto a new and thrilling journey that is slow to approach. I got accepted into Utah State University earlier in the month. A fairly ‘easy’ school to get in to, but the one I only had dreamed of actually attending. I applied for the fun of it. Little did I think I would actually take the jump and register for the fall of 2017 as an incoming freshman. 1,370 miles and 22 hours (by car) away from the only place I’ve ever called home for the 20 years I’ve been around. I am just as my parents want me to be, nervous and worried for taking such a big risk. However, I’ve never been so hopeful and excited for my future as for once it seems as though it may be taking a turn for the very best. College for most is just a mediocre journey on towards a larger picture. For some reason or another college is more than mediocre for me. Getting to move straight across the country and compare a new area of life aside from mine is both thrilling and nerve wrecking. Being a 20 year old freshman and a transfer student is like asking to be purple in a crowd of blue. I have my concerns but I am more hopeful than anything that I’ve made the right choice in Utah.

So as the year goes on, my short term goals include paying off my credit card debt, losing twenty pounds before August, and finding a way to make it through the day at work without wanting to run to the back and cry before someone sees me. As for the bigger picture, I’ve got a lot of small goals leading up to a successful first semester come this fall. I can’t wait to take you all with me as I go.

 

With love and wishes of good health,

xx bw

Tips & Tricks for staying organized during midterms & finals.

It’s midterms week for many, including myself, and instead of actually studying here I am writing to you all. Though, I swear I have a logical reason for it. Personally, I’m the kind of person who is an absolute freak about being organized. This isn’t about me, though. I am here to hopefully help you all succeed and improve upon your academics through being organized! ( these are not my own ideas and by far are not in any way scientifically proven anywhere. these are things I have tried at home and noticed help me in my personal studies. ) Without further ado, let’s get into it!

  • USE AN AGENDA!! you guys, this is my number one tip for a reason! Agendas may seem like just another notebook you have to lug around with some extra lines and words in it, but this will seriously be a life saver. Agendas not only are a glorified, adorable notebook to write down your thoughts and important dates. It also means you have all your important dates, times, appointments and so on in one place. So when you go to look up what time you scheduled that study session with your friend from psychology class, there’s your friendly reminder that the day after that you have your next midterm. how useful is that?
  • Color code // doodle in your notes – okay so you’re probably reading this and thinking, huh? yes! draw all up in those notes. put bubbles around the main topic, lines under your sub topics. use purple on the definitions, green on your bullet points. Color coding and doodling has helped me immensely when it comes to taking notes and remembering certain things. If you have messy handwriting, colors can help the important things pop out so you’re less likely to miss it. If you have lecture and you type out notes, use colors and highlights with bold letters in word. Whatever makes note taking fun to you will help you absorb that information better!
  • Spread out the studying // take breaks – Cramming for tomorrow’s history exam at one in the morning and then throwing back three cups of coffee before you even leave the house is NOT the right strategy to get you a solid A on the test. It may seem like the best  option at the time when you’ve just gotten back from dinner with a friend or a party at the frat house but I promise you, nothing gets retained like it should. Instead, set aside a couple of hours in your day to study. Take on one or two chapters at a time depending on the length, read and take notes. Then, PAUSE! stand up, stretch, meditate. Turn on your favorite song and dance like nobody is watching! Whatever you need to do to de-stress and take a few ‘you’ moments can help you start back up on new information like you just sat down.
  • Fuel up – So maybe I’m being biased because, well, I love my food. That being said, it is so important you eat and do it right so you can keep focused while you push through those dreaded three chapters of science homework you have due. However, throwing back a big meal like a turkey dinner or eating a piece of cake that makes you feel all sorts of full won’t do you any good. You’ll simply become lethargic and ready to crawl into bed. Instead, things like apples and peanut butter, or maybe a small salad loaded with yummy vegetables will help you keep satisfied but also still alert while you finish that homework.
  • Location is key! – Sitting in your bedroom or your dorm with the tv on, or your comforter thrown over you like you’re about to fall asleep likely won’t help you focus on your study guide in front of you as much as it will put you to sleep. Find a desk or  a nice straight chair and keep good posture so that blood keeps flowing and you keep thinking! Something as small as a straight back can make the biggest difference in your attention while working on that homework.

I’m no scientist, nor am I an expert on studying strategies, but I’d like to think that in my 10 + years of schooling, I’ve learned and developed good habits of study that have helped me achieve better grades and ultimately feel better about myself as a college student. Hopefully you try out some of these tips and see a difference in your perfomance, too! If you try any of these comment below because I’d love to see what works for you.

 

XX BW