As if it wasn’t obvious by my posts so far, I never write with much structure nor do i check my grammar or things like that. I write because it’s an outlet for my thoughts where speaking to a human doesn’t do much justice. I’m better at expressing through written ( typed ) word rather than speaking out loud. So with that disclaimer out of the way, here is an overwritten, rambling on explanation of my year thus far. It hasn’t really been my year, but I’m alive to tell the story and for that I can say cheers.
The first week of january I lost a family member to cancer. That alone set the tone for the year ahead. We’re five months in and while there’s still seven months to go, I can’t say i’m wildly optimistic with how it’s gone so far. I spent January grieving, questioning life, angry at people and the unknown. I spent time staring at pictures of the past where life was better and when I didn’t know how to feel so deeply like I did in January. February was a drag. Work, sleep, somehow squeeze in a social. The month long hangover from the seemingly drunken mess of a month that January turned out to be. Finally, march being a fresh new month. That was until half way through I found out the company I work for is filing for bankruptcy. So long having a steady income, and so long to my sanity. April came and with that started the process of liquidation at work. I’ve now been thrown into 40 hour weeks (hours I never disclosed wanting to work, might I add), and while the money is good being as I need it, bad, the patience I have lost and the sleep I lack because of this job is unreal. My coworkers have become my enemies most days with the exception of a few. The way managers have gone into this free for all, calling people out without the right to do so, getting nasty because they claim to have that authority. it’s a free for all on how we work together and what we do and don’t put effort into. I forgot to mention that sometime in between I got accepted into college and for a split second my life seemed to have a path worthy of following.
So here we are, five months in, and while I’m inching closer to the fall when life is supposed to start on a whole new foot, I’m still only able to focus on how endlessly horrible these first few months have been. It’s like i’ve woken up on the wrong side of the bed to start 2017, had one too many new years drinks that I never recovered from. This month has been endless 40 hour weeks, days where I’ve had to hide in the back stockroom at work and cry for a second because I care too much and I’m an emotional person to start. I come home, take a deep breath, and remind myself I’m still alive and healthy. I’ve lost a lot this year, a family member, money, patience, friends, trust for people. I won’t be that person that lies and says I’m looking forward to the summer or to the months to come because in reality when I look at how it’s gone so far, I don’t feel like it could get any worse. then again, maybe that means it’ll only go up from here.
I’m thankful for the people in my life who have been patient with me, reminded me that I’m here in this moment and lucky at that. I still have a paycheck every other week, I still have my family and friends. A few deep breaths a day won’t fix everything, nor does it make everything better in that moment. But the simple task of breathing is something I’m lucky to even be able to do. So while I’m not pleased with my year so far, my life itself is a gift I’m so glad I get to keep on using.
cheers to being honest with myself.