I’ve spent the four years since my last relationship telling myself that being single is good, is needed, is right for me. Looking back on it now, I think there was a chunk of time where my lack of need for a boyfriend or just a companion was beneficial. I’d like to think that in this time I focused solely on myself, i found the me that I am most proud of. I can point out my own flaws, accept them ( most days ), and move on with life. I’m independent and don’t feel like I need other people in order to be happy. However, in the time since my last relationship I’ve also seen myself fall away from social norms of navigating the thing that is interacting with people. I find it a burden, a task I’m not willing to complete. This goes for people in general, not just the other gender. I’ve questioned myself and my sexuality for a while, gone through phases where I’ve considered whether I’m really even interested in anyone at all nonetheless a guy. In this present moment, I feel like I barely know how to approach another person I’m interested in. I am so far detached from the idea of online dating and meeting total strangers on the internet. Tinder and other apps are less than appealing to me. I prefer good old fashion getting to know someone, and yet I hate approaching people in public.
So while all my friends begin relationships and fall into comfortable places with their lives. Go on dates and double dates, have someone to confide in with all their issues, I find myself envying what they have. I can’t say with whom I desire that from, or if I desire from someone at a romantic level. Maybe I just need more friends, maybe I need to roam to the other side and see if my occasional thought of dating a female is really something I want in life. The idea of dating and romance and all things companionship are a rather large question to me. In a nutshell, I’ve become increasingly lonely and almost a bit desperate.
ending this with a huge sigh that none of you can hear.